As much as we hate to admit it, us women will sometimes use the actions of a man as a measuring tool for our self worth. We think that because the man we’re invested in or crushing on isn’t giving us what we desire, there must be something wrong with us. Well, if no one else wants to admit it, I will. I’ve done it, and every now and then I catch myself still doing it. For example:
I once fell for a guy. We spent a lot of time together. We were friends. At least that’s what we told people. But I wanted to be more than his friend. So I did everything in my power to show him I’d be a great partner. I supported his endeavors, cooked for him, did his laundry–anything he needed, without hesitation. However, no matter what I did, he wouldn’t commit to me. His reasons seemed to be valid, but regardless of what he said, I felt like I just wasn’t good enough. I let myself come to the conclusion that if I was so great, he would see it and be with me, but he never did.
I once dated another man for seven years. You can read about that relationship in a previous post, Life After Breaking-up. I loved him with everything, but I wasn’t content with being just a girlfriend. Not after seven years of dating. I desired to be his wife. So after a proposal and almost two-year engagement, I gave him an ultimatum. I gave him the option to set a wedding date and be with me forever… or never– and he chose the ladder. Imagine what that did to my confidence.
Each and every time a man didn’t pick me or walked away from me, it ate at how I felt about myself. Finding love and one day having a family is something that’s always been important to me. I thought it would be so effortless. So when it wasn’t happening for me I started to tell myself that I wasn’t “all that” since no man was giving me what I wanted. Rejection made me feel like I wasn’t valuable. I was so hard on myself. I told myself I wasn’t attractive enough and concluded that if I was prettier or had a higher degree or bigger career, having a life partner wouldn’t be such a struggle.
It seemed as if every man I gave my heart to just wanted to “rent” it, but never “sign the buyers agreement”. They enjoyed my company but didn’t want to commit to it the way I wanted them too. There were nights I would cry because I was so unhappy with my lack of ability to achieve love and happiness.
That’s when I took a step back to re-evaluate my life and think about how I got to the place of thinking I was nothing because of how men treated me. How did this young confident woman I used to be turn into someone who felt she was lacking so greatly? I didn’t realize the depth of how much I let men determine my value until after I started living as a single woman. I let break-ups and disappointments temporarily effect my self-esteem. I had forgotten that I am a daughter of the king, the creator of the universe.
That was all the reminder I needed. And thats why I’m reminding you. How silly was it for me to think down on myself because some guy didn’t pick me, meanwhile, there was another man named Jesus who died for me. I didn’t need a man on this earth to save me or make my life complete because one already did that on a cross 2,000 years ago.
There’s a man that valued me so much that he made sure my previous relationships didn’t work out. He knows I am a prized possession and deserves so much more than what I thought I wanted. I’m so valuable that he protected me from myself and is preparing me for what he has in store for me. And he’s doing the same for you.
So in the meantime, we have to stop being so pressed for a love God already has for us. I mean just imagine if we stopped idolizing relationships and marriage. Yes, being in love and having a family is a huge blessing. But so are other things like starting that business you’ve always thought about, writing that book, finishing school, being self sufficient and independent, getting your finances together, increasing your credit score, saving up, traveling the world, being a role model to the children you may already have, volunteering, serving your church, getting closer to God, and living in your purpose.
So to the lonely woman, the woman who’s single year after year and think they’re running out of time, and the hopeless romantic woman- relax, sister. Your worth and happiness can’t be determined by your relationship status. God already said you’re priceless. And true joy comes from God alone. There are people who are married and have kids who still don’t feel fulfilled so don’t let that be the end all/be all to your happiness.
Don’t waste your best years hurting yourself over and over trying to find “him,” and work on finding YOU. God will do the rest. The real fairy tale is creating a life so great you don’t need a knight in shining armor to rescue you from it. . but if he just so happens to come along anyway– so be it….