2020 has been a rough year and it seems to keep getting more challenging but from now on I choose to smile through it.
For me, the madness began when Kobe died. I’ll never forget that day and how I felt. I was at church when my phone vibrated with a text from my brother, Nate, giving me the news. I was stunned at what I read. I stepped out of service momentarily to confirm what I heard was true and immediately broke down. And it only got worse when I learned his daughter and many others died with him. I know some people may think it’s crazy to cry over people you’ve never met but I don’t. I think it’s amazing when a person can be so great at what he/she does that people they’ve never met admire them and are affected by the loss of them. There’s a difference between admiration and idolization. Kobe was a hero in my book. A Laker legend. I watched him play from day one and witnessed him make history time and time again. I cried when he played his last game and I mourned his last day on earth.
“What separates us from the animals, what separates us from the chaos, is our ability to mourn people we never met.” – unknown
Shortly after Kobe’s death Covid-19 starting trending in the U.S. and more people died. Covid-19 became extra real when I was laid off from BOTH of my jobs within the same week and then later found out that someone very close to me contracted it.
Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, Ahmaud Arbery, George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, and the wrongful killings of other black lives were exposed in the media and the social climate in America drastically changed. It’s 2020 and people are still hated because of the color of their skin. As a black woman it breaks my heart to witness the injustice taking place against my people. Election year and this so-called virus has seemingly brought out the worst in society.
Between all of that and choosing 2020 to launch TWO new business endeavors (lashes and boutique) BY MYSELF, I have been mentally EXHAUSTED. Up until about a few days ago I was experiencing anxiety attacks through the roof. I’m talking being in tears at two in the morning a few times a week because my heart won’t stop racing and my mind keeps wondering to the worst of places. As a young, black, christian woman, I realize more and more everyday that this earth is not my home. I am a spiritual being living a temporary human experience. My eternity is with my father in heaven. The more I focus on that- the more peace I feel.
It’s so easy to forget and feel overwhelmed by the weight of the world. It’s heavy. But for the sake of my sanity I needed to remind myself of God’s purpose for me. My purpose isn’t to be like everyone else- afraid and upset. Yes, things are hard but as a believer, my purpose is to keep my faith and know that no matter what happens, God is in control. My purpose is to spread his message and help save souls while they can still be saved. This earth is only temporary. Racism, discrimination, sickness, financial woes, death- it’s all temporary. The devil uses circumstances to distract God’s people from what our mission is on earth and he’s so good at it. One night I was feeling so down about the world that I considered giving up Virtuous by Veronica. Can you believe that? I asked my mom ‘If the world is getting ready to end and Jesus is coming back, why even bother with a blog and business?’
She reminded me of how the mission doesn’t stop for us until we are officially off this earth. The devil would absolutely love for me to give up on life and the vision God gave me. He’d love for me to spend the rest of my days in isolation- not being used by God. He would love to shut down one of the few platforms putting God over everything. Not too many people stand for God anymore. So until God comes back for us I will continue to be a virtuous woman and help spread his love when the world needs it the most. Souls are at stake. Mine included. I have truly been tested and I will continue to be. We all need God so bad right now and lately I’ve been feeling like I really need to put a conscience effort to change the things I know I have been struggling with. None of us have perfect walks with God but I’m at a point where I just want to please him and ensure my spot in the book of life. I can’t imagine being left behind in a world with no God. Or spending eternity in hell.
I honestly can’t imagine what life is like for someone who doesn’t have God to believe in. It’s hard having to be in quarantine and with California, my home, now on fire–God is truly the only thing keeping me together in 2020.
I recently took a break from social media just to clear my head since that’s where a lot of negativity is housed. I’m putting a strong emphasis on SELF CARE. Our body is God’s temple so it is our duty to make sure our minds, body and spirit are in tact. I’m talking about waking up in the mornings and praying that God will guide my steps that day. I’ve been lighting candles for aroma therapy, reading my bible, exfoliating my face, taking long showers, detaching from negative news and so on. I went from posting everyday to not posting anything at all in over a week. Not even on my business page. I know consistency is a huge part of business growth but I needed to take a step back for me. I’m not saying not to get involved in what’s going on in the world. I’m just saying to make sure your mental space is ok before you do anything. Take breaks from whatever when you need to. I’m of no use to God, my business, the fight for justice or any of that if I’m not in the right space mentally.
I said all this to to say that I’ve been struggling but I’m feeling better now. I’ll be posting more content and I even started vlogging on YouTube. My first ‘day in the life’ style vlog is attached to the bottom of this post. I hope you’ll check it out and enjoy witnessing my journey through this thing called life. With the way 2020 is set up I’m sure there will be more hurdles to jump but I am truly putting everything in God’s hands. I’m going to keep watering my grass until its green enough for me to go home and I encourage anyone reading this to do the same. This is just the beginning of our testimonies. For anyone else who has been struggling this year- Take care of yourself, girl. You have to. Turn off the news, get off social media and do what you need to do to feel right again. You have the power to. I’m choosing to have faith and smile through it because I know the devil hates that.